When copy was king, copywriters would write 100 good headlines to find one great one. That’s a lot. To see if I could also do it, I wrote 500 headlines for Crest 3D Vivid White, a 14-day whitening toothpaste aimed at women.

Which 5 would you go with? Email me: hey@kenisajerk.com. Or @ me on Twitter: @kenisajerk.


  1. More white. Less wait.

  2. Just when you were getting good at Photoshop.

  3. He's never been the jealous type. Until now.

  4. Become a speed dating gold medalist.

  5. Your résumé says you are detail-oriented. Prove it.

  6. Make big talk.

  7. Add some h's to your ahhh.

  8. Of all the people in the world, which one do you want him to remember?

  9. You're too old to believe in the Tooth Fairy. But not too old to be mistaken for her.

  10. When a wardrobe malfunction happens, will anyone notice?

  11. Refreshing. Essential. Satisfying. And many other adjectives in just two weeks or less.

  12. Be the star of your own chick flick.

  13. Your baby teeth are gone. Meet your oh baby teeth.

  14. Einstein said that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. On the contrary.

  15. There are more words in this sentence than there are days in a whiter smile.

  16. Whitening is no laughing matter. Giggling, however.

  17. There are things that whiten better than Crest 3D Vivid White. Unfortunately, they're at the hardware store.

  18. Ever had a drink slid to you from across the bar? Want to try?

  19. Made for a woman, but strong enough for a chain smoker.

  20. You could go to school for years to learn to whiten teeth. Or you could spend two minutes brushing them.

  21. Something in your bathroom even a man can appreciate.

  22. You've got four bottles of shampoo, three bottles of conditioner, and an excuse for two tubes of toothpaste.

  23. The box says satisfaction guaranteed. What it doesn't say is for who.

  24. If only every youthful feature could be restored with just two weeks and a tube.

  25. Not every magnet attracts metal.

  26. He tells his friends about the one that got away. Little do they know he never met you.

  27. And to think your dentist went to school for this.

  28. If your smile is the first thing people notice about you, thank you for your patronage.

  29. Results you can see. Results he’ll want to see more of.

  30. Blurs the line between affective and effective.

  31. When he says nice to meet you, you'll know he means it.

  32. Go ahead. Get the mocha.

  33. An improved formula for an improved you.

  34. They'll think you went to a professional. Who are we to argue?

  35. Get a four-star white on a five-dollar budget.

  36. Turn your eHarmony into a little eChemistry.

  37. Chemistry that increases your chance of chemistry.

  38. Fortunately, there are some problems that genetics gets no say in.

  39. You have three seconds to get their attention. So what are you going to do with the other two?

  40. Send a message autocorrect can’t ruin.

  41. The fastest way to a man's heart is debatable.

  42. There are better ways than texting to send a message.

  43. Make the kind of first impression that leads to a second.

  44. There's more to looking professional than a pants suit and heels.

  45. 61% of users polled said they felt more confident about their smiles. The FCC prohibits us from printing what the other 39% said.

  46. A smile can say so much. Don't let stains butt in.

  47. When you smile, it sends a message. Don't let yours get send to spam.

  48. How long it takes to make a first impression depends on less than you think.

  49. When you smile, will they look or will they notice?

  50. Don't let stains speak louder than words.

  51. A person's smile is their first point of communication. Don’t let yours be a smoke signal.

  52. You know what they say: 28th time's the charm.

  53. Don’t let your personal forecast call for smog.

  54. Studies show that 38% of fender benders are caused by our customers.

  55. Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

  56. They say beauty is fleeting. But then they say a lot of things.

  57. Instant gratification. Now available in just fourteen days.

  58. Freshens breath. Refreshes your look.

  59. Brush that look off your face.

  60. Refreshen freshening.

  61. You start life with a clean slate. So do your teeth. Keep them that way.

  62. There is no known cure for blindness. Until now.

  63. Contrary to popular belief, there are some benefits to yellow teeth. For example:

  64. More Cinderella. Less stepsisters.

  65. Traditional whitening procedures can cost you four or five hundred dollars a day. Others just four or five minutes.

  66. Some highlighters yellow. This one whitens.

  67. Weird that your neighbors suddenly want to carpool. And they work at different companies. And you've never met them.

  68. Shakespeare wrote 172 lines about smiles. And that was without seeing yours.

  69. Songs have been written about less than a girl’s smile. But why settle for less?

  70. They were stained. Now he's stunned.

  71. Pass waiting room, go straight to whitening.

  72. If only compliments could be redeemed for frequent flier miles.

  73. What would you like written about you: a) song, b) sonnet, c) scripture.

  74. Never let :) do you justice again.

  75. Some whitening toothpastes promise a new you. Funny, we thought stains were the problem.

  76. You could bleach your teeth. You could also brush your socks.

  77. It began as a blind date. But then he saw the light.

  78. Pearlier whites.

  79. Who knew a product with only one active ingredient could work on so many levels?

  80. "Opening doors? Oh, I used to do that."

  81. Feel fresh. Look fresher.

  82. For optimal results, spend more time in front of the mirror.

  83. Fourteen days gets you a black belt in whitening.

  84. You want the same things as any girl. You just want yours to be better.

  85. Think of how much you can accomplish in fourteen days if you don't put your mind to it.

  86. For that Photoshopped look.

  87. You. The ultimate DIY project.

  88. For those nostalgic about getting carded.

  89. A great smile can be a great smile can be a great smile can be hard to look away from.

  90. Speed up your speed date.

  91. Yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth can be distracting.

  92. Your favorite shirt has a wine stain, a grass stain, and a chocolate stain. No one has ever noticed.

  93. The more things change, the more you must be brushing.

  94. The whitest thing imaginable is no longer hot yoga.

  95. Some people wake up and that's the most refreshed they're going to feel all day.

  96. Camera shyness has met its match.

  97. A smile can brighten someone's day. So start with your own.

  98. Enwhiten yourself.

  99. Who knew arctic mint would be such an icebreaker.

  100. Lose the ability to leave the bar unnoticed.

  101. The crown jewel of your medicine cabinet.

  102. When you look back on life, will you have to wear shades?

  103. For a white that laaaaaaaaaaaaaaasts loooooooooooooongeeeeeeeeeeeeer thaaaaaaaaaan yoooooooooouuuuuuu miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight expect.

  104. If there's one thing girls have trouble with, it's finding the right look. Other girls, anyways.

  105. They say humans are omnivores. But you can still be a man-eater.

  106. There go your business cards.

  107. Brush up on your B game repellent.

  108. Your smile produces lens flare. But no one's taking pictures.

  109. When all is said and done, you might need a bigger texting plan.

  110. Mr. Right's not just going to appear out of nowhere. But you'll be ready if he does.

  111. Daddy's little princess won't always be little, but she can always be a princess.

  112. The bus driver always waits for you. But you drive.

  113. You have 21 shades of lipstick. And what do you know, there is something they all match.

  114. You said you wanted a white picket fence. You never said where.

  115. Works on sensitive teeth. And sensitive men.

  116. The Fountain of Youth. It’s in your bathroom.

  117. Because sparkling coffee is nowhere on the horizon.

  118. For best results, brush twice daily. For better results, be sure your ex sees.

  119. Not exactly flying off the shelves in England.

  120. "Yes, they're real."

  121. Sayonara, stains.

  122. A great smile. Wear it with anything. Or nothing.

  123. 0.243% sodium fluoride. 99.757% Hallmark Channel.

  124. Don't just brush off stains. Brush them off your shoulder.

  125. Save the bleach for socks.

  126. Make stains put up the white flag.

  127. Love at first sight, now even sooner.

  128. Give him something better to stare at than his phone.

  129. Your shoes are far from your best accessory.

  130. Whitens teeth in just fourteen days. If only cleaning out your purse were this easy.

  131. Three dimensions of white for four dimensions of love at first sight.

  132. Beauty used to be just skin deep. Now it's slightly deeper.

  133. Recommended by dentists and therapists.

  134. On a scale of 1–10, give yourself 32.

  135. If smiling is contagious, expect to be quarantined.

  136. You work in accounting. So why are the paparazzi outside?

  137. Dentist approved. Paparazzi preferred.

  138. Two weeks removes ten years.

  139. Don’t let your teeth look like Donald Trump’s hair.

  140. Turn any house into a white house.

  141. Raise the price of face value.

  142. If you think beauty is only skin deep, think again.

  143. Be beautiful from head to um, uh, wow.

  144. Whiter teeth. Redder carpets.

  145. White up the room.

  146. Grin their attention.

  147. Set your smile to stun.

  148. What’s the perfect compliment to the little black dress? If you guessed pearls, guess again.

  149. If you’re not whitening, you're yellowing.

  150. A girl should never have to decide between beauty and chocolate.

  151. Wear your other tighty-whities the way they were meant to be: stain-free.

  152. Dentists recommend brushing after every meal to prevent stains. They must have a lot of free time.

  153. Life’s fair on occasion.

  154. There's white and there's wrong.

  155. Think of it as a time machine in a tube.

  156. Strengthens enamel. Weakens men.

  157. Brush up on a brighter smile.

  158. Dramatic whitening. Less drama.

  159. It's not laser whitening. It's just laser fast.

  160. All teeth yellow over time. Only some whiten over less.

  161. A brighter tomorrow starts with brushing today.

  162. A whiter smile. A reason to smile. It's the Crest circle of life.

  163. There's such a thing as acid etched whitening. So good luck with that.

  164. Your dentist says she needs to take an x-ray. She reaches for her shades.

  165. Save the white out for tax season.

  166. Cosmetic dentistry. Now in tube form.

  167. The most powerful gesture in sign language isn’t the one you’re thinking of.

  168. The most timeless accessory of all isn't one.

  169. Love at first sight in just fourteen days.

  170. Love at first sight. Make it your specialty.

  171. Even Hogwarts is years away from this kind of magic.

  172. Blur the line between your toothbrush and a magic wand.

  173. Tiara sold separately.

  174. It whitens. It whitens not. It whitens. It whitens not. It whitens.

  175. Feel more comfortable in nothing but a smile.

  176. One active ingredient. Endless possibilities.

  177. Redefine mint condition.

  178. Teachers usually have a star pupil. Now so do dentists.

  179. Questions? 1-800-959-6586. Answers? Brush twice daily.

  180. Look on the bright side. All 32 of them.

  181. And the lord said, "Thou shalt fear no merlot."

  182. So long juice cleanses. Hello paste cleanses.

  183. Finally, a white that can be worn after Labor Day.

  184. Appear tanner.

  185. The end of duck face as we know it.

  186. A whiter smile no matter the filter.

  187. Turn back the clock on stains.

  188. Getting the date just got a little easier. Picking out an outfit, however.

  189. "Officer, I swear, my high beams were off!"

  190. Highlights. Now in the single digits.

  191. He didn’t notice that you got your hair done. You don't blame him.

  192. Not every smile is created equal. Level the playing field.

  193. Give stains their two-week notice.

  194. RIP to stains. You had a good run.

  195. Say goodbye to gingivitis. And mean girls.

  196. Catch up on time lost to braces.

  197. Whitening so easy even a man can do it. Not that they would.

  198. The bride will never forgive you.

  199. Success. Only the second best revenge.

  200. The most satisfaction a girl can get from 4 inches.

  201. Side effects include showing off, breaking hearts, turning heads.

  202. Show dark roast who's boss.

  203. The last time something this good came in a tube, it was full of potato chips.

  204. The most advanced whitening ever in the least advanced delivery system imaginable.

  205. 3D so advanced, it works without the glasses.

  206. Your smile. Finally, something worth oversharing.

  207. Really whitens so you can really wow.

  208. Actually, what's on the outside does count.

  209. Active ingredients: sodium fluoride. Inactive ingredients: snowflakes, sunlight, wedding cakes.

  210. It's not like everyone has a camera on them or anything.

  211. Just when you thought you couldn't spend any more time in front of the mirror.

  212. Have the FaceTime of your life.

  213. Smiles fade. Unlike first impressions.

  214. Monochrome coordinate.

  215. Team Edward. Team Jacob. Team Fluoride.

  216. "Who does your teeth?"

  217. Manicure your mouth.

  218. And on the 14th day the Lord said, "Let there be white!"

  219. Other toothpastes call it the chosen one.

  220. "I really like the way my teeth look yellow." – nobody

  221. Give new meaning to the phrase "lighten up."

  222. There is no award for best dating profile, but that shouldn't stop you from being a contender.

  223. A smile like when you were seventeen, but not like the one on your driver's license.

  224. Before he can find the right words, he'll need a reason.

  225. Help him find the words he's looking for.

  226. Works in fourteen days. You've never made a lifelong friend faster.

  227. In fourteen days, even you might not believe your before and after photos.

  228. Grow your friend request collection.

  229. You haven't tweeted yet. 1,137 followers.

  230. Save the baking soda for baking.

  231. Good things come in small packages. Great things come in 5.6oz ones.

  232. Effective whitening for an affective smile.

  233. There are many benefits to using Crest 3D White. For examples, ask your boyfriend.

  234. There are those who seek attention. Then there are those who don't have to.

  235. When your friends ask how much you paid, tell a white lie.

  236. Take stains off. Take them all off.

  237. It will be a great day when they make a whitening yogurt. But until then.

  238. Not all outcomes are black and white. Some just white.

  239. Crest to impress.

  240. If you need to see it to believe it, then prepare to be converted.

  241. Results you can see. And he can see. And she can see.

  242. With whiter teeth in just 14 days, the only problem is finding room in your medicine cabinet.

  243. Hygiene meets highlights.

  244. Who knew 5.6oz could make tons of difference?

  245. Official sponsor of Like Hoarders Anonymous.

  246. Takes teeth from smoker to smokin’.

  247. A bright idea for a brighter smile.

  248. When it comes to stains, girls just wanna have none.

  249. Whitens like no other product. Except quinoa.

  250. White up the night.

  251. Zero shades of grey.

  252. You've got nothing to lose except lectures from your dentist.

  253. You're really going to miss that free toothbrush.

  254. 15 minutes of fame in 15 minutes or less.

  255. Girl power. Now in tube form.

  256. Look like a million bucks for only $4.95.

  257. Shades sold separately.

  258. You start to notice friends closing their mouths in group photos.

  259. Flouride. French for "Who's your friend?"

  260. Smile: 1. Coffee: 0.

  261. You’ve got 32 reasons to want whiter teeth.

  262. Make them all wisdom teeth.

  263. Comes in tube form, strip form, and boys with cold sweats form.

  264. Caution: Objects in mirror may be brighter than they appear.

  265. Take that, espresso.

  266. Uses a patented enamel safe whitening formula. In other words, yea, he'll notice.

  267. Removes 80% of surface stains in fourteen days. Sadly, not much it can do about your ex.

  268. A cool blast of mint. A cooler blast of you go girl.

  269. Immediate freshness. Long-lasting “Is she seeing anybody?”

  270. A faster white. An even faster “Who's your friend?”

  271. The whitening of a paste. The freshness of a gel. The satisfaction of making boys cry.

  272. Found in the cleaning aisle, the bathroom aisle, and the cosmetics aisle.

  273. Takes teeth from WTF to OMG.

  274. The road to success isn’t paved. It's brushed.

  275. Unfriend stains forever.

  276. Add your smile to Mt. Brushmore. We're so sorry. [Thank you for making it this far!]

  277. It’s not magic. But you could call it that.

  278. You have lots of secrets. So why do people keep asking for one that isn’t?

  279. Anti-cavity. Anti-plague. Anti-untag yourself.

  280. Works like magic. Even if you're doing the enchanting.

  281. You start to think your name is cheese.

  282. For straight teeth you need braces. For white teeth only bristles.

  283. If only men could do so much in only fourteen days.

  284. A better reason to turn that frown upside down.

  285. Desirable colors for nails: dozens. Desirable colors for teeth: one.

  286. Flirt in sign language.

  287. Flirt without saying a word.

  288. Great smiles don’t have an in-season. They have four.

  289. "Looks aren’t everything." – said a boy, probably

  290. Fluoride: 1. Ex-boyfriends: 0.

  291. Who says pastiness is taboo?

  292. Save the tan for bikini season.

  293. Pass glass slipper. Go straight to pumpkin carriage.

  294. Not all finishing touches are found in cosmetics.

  295. You might not be able to date a celebrity. But he can.

  296. There’s a lot of pressure on girls to be perfect. Now there’s a little less.

  297. Just like every other toothpaste. Then a week goes by.

  298. Go viral.

  299. Dentists recommend that you brush at least twice a day. So do stylists.

  300. “You never told me your dad was a dentist!”

  301. Cupid’s arrows. Love potions. Toothpaste.

  302. The best things in life are free. Or at least very close.

  303. The common denominator of dentists and stylists.

  304. The life of the party wasn’t always.

  305. Not all concealers come off in the shower.

  306. The yang to chocolate's ying.

  307. Give yourself a reason to smile on Monday.

  308. They say opposites attract. But plenty of other stuff does too.

  309. Aids in the prevention of cavities, plague, gingivitis, and gross dudes.

  310. Contains 0.24% sodium flouride, 0.30% triclosan, and 99.46% being mistaken for Brie Larson.

  311. Other life changing things you can get for five dollars:

  312. The hottest look this summer is also the hottest look last winter.

  313. A whiter smile is the easiest style decision a girl will ever have to make.

  314. Great things come to those who wait. But you have a life.

  315. An instant makeover in just fourteen days.

  316. "Smile" is the strongest word in body language.

  317. Face it. Girls night will end in front of a camera.

  318. It’s almost bikini season. Oh well.

  319. About time you had another reason to spend more time in the bathroom.

  320. Whitening. So easy even a man can do it.

  321. Floss’s BFF.

  322. Make boys fluent in hey, oh, umm, I was just…

  323. Great style rhymes with great smile. Just saying.

  324. Pink is the official color of femininity. With some exceptions.

  325. Finally, something that matches any outfit.

  326. Make waves miles from any ocean.

  327. There are better ways to get followers than following.

  328. Leave the bleach to your stylist.

  329. For a look that goes with anything. Even toe socks.

  330. Unfortunate side effects include ruining girls’ night out.

  331. Master hypnosis in just fourteen days.

  332. “Um, my teeth are up here.”

  333. Brighter teeth in fourteen days. If only horoscopes were this accurate.

  334. White picket fence starter kit.

  335. Master the non-verbal, “Sure, Friday works.”

  336. Not all great looks take hours.

  337. Changing your look doesn’t require a trainer. Or even a dentist.

  338. It’s winter but every boy you know is sweating like crazy.

  339. Let him twirl his hair for a change.

  340. Princess. Rock star. Prep. Whatever the look, here’s one to match it.

  341. Multiply your Facebook stalkers.

  342. Draw less attention to your bad hair days.

  343. Atkins Diet compliant.

  344. They say math is the only universal language. They forgot one.

  345. Yellow is a great color. For a sundress.

  346. Go from “I wonder how she did it” to “I wonder if she’ll tell me.”

  347. Haute is great. Hot is better.

  348. Flower petals get you 50/50. Do better.

  349. “Hey, aren’t you the girl from that thing that one time or whatever?”

  350. The best fashion find under $5.

  351. Inanimate. Makes you more animated.

  352. One more zero calorie way to look great.

  353. The official toothpaste of the GOP.

  354. Get one step closer to never paying for dinner again.

  355. White jacket: $325. White heels: $155. White teeth. $5.

  356. Good smiles are all about whiter teeth. Great smiles are all about whiter teeth and I think she looked at me!

  357. The less you need to say, the more he will.

  358. Inner beauty is everything. However, the interview is in two weeks.

  359. Shine some light on dull moments.

  360. WARNING: May cause mean girls.

  361. Take the #FFFF00 out of your teeth’s #FFFFFF.

  362. Your class reunion is in eight weeks. So what are you going to do with the other six?

  363. Foaming at the mouth can be surprisingly good for your self-image.

  364. Brushing bright and early leaves them bright and pearly.

  365. Best applied before breakfast, before bed, and before job interviews.

  366. There’s H202, CH6N2O3, and NaPO3. But for those without a degree in dentistry, there’s Crest 3D Vivid White.

  367. Some whitening procedures require wearing sunglasses during the operation. Others, after.

  368. Big things come in small packages. So do powerful things.

  369. In England, tubes take you places. What a coincidence.

  370. Available in only one flavor, because smiles should be too.

  371. Introverts beware.

  372. Throw caution to the color wheel.

  373. You don’t need People to know this secret of the stars.

  374. Available wherever life-changing, mind-blowing products are sold.

  375. Skip reaching out and just touch someone.

  376. Charles Gordy said that smiling was an inexpensive way to change your look. We agree

  377. They say everyone smiles in the same language. However, not at the same volume.

  378. Make peace with the selfie.

  379. Powerful enough to whiten even missing teeth.

  380. If you brush them, they will come.

  381. Free your inner extrovert.

  382. For a look that will change your outlook.

  383. Woman’s best friend.

  384. There is only one white. Everything else is off-white.

  385. Distracts from your freckles. Or anything, really.

  386. Lost-and-found called. They have your insecurity.

  387. Feeling good should start white and early.

  388. Yellow teeth can send the wrong airplane.

  389. Give your pearls competition.

  390. The secret to a higher Klout score.

  391. “I love your teeth!”

  392. The Crest whitening challenge isn’t much of a challenge.

  393. Next date night, arm yourself to the teeth.

  394. Some will spend thousands on their bling. Others, about $4.95.

  395. A good man is hard to keep away.

  396. Upset about coffee stains? Lighten up.

  397. A whiter smile in just 14 days. You won’t even have to roll up the tube.

  398. Here's that blank slate you were looking for.

  399. Make the best part of waking up nowhere near a cup.

  400. While it’s sometimes hard to control our emotions, at least we can control what our emotions say about us.

  401. They say nobody’s perfect. But they never said nobody can be.

  402. It takes more than a crown to make a princess.

  403. Dentist recommended. Perfectionist approved.

  404. Little do they know your window tints are for their protection.

  405. The best things in life are fluoride.

  406. Whitens in two weeks or less. So consider re-gifting.

  407. Not every white knight comes to your rescue on a horse.

  408. Your dad says you’re perfect just the way you are. But he’s your dad.

  409. Whiten your load.

  410. Your pearly gates. His heaven.

  411. Who knew a toothpaste would be the talk of fashion week?

  412. Cinderella’s transformation ended at midnight. Poor girl.

  413. You'll wish photo booths were tax-deductible.

  414. More bling for less cha-ching.

  415. Up. Down. Front. Back. Left. Right. White.

  416. Reduces the appearance of wrinkles by 40%.

  417. Impress human resources with your best human resource.

  418. Some qualifications can’t be conveyed by a resume.

  419. Your smile is your first point of communication. Whether you need a second is up to you.

  420. Preventing new stains is easy. Dealing with existing ones, well, that’s easy too.

  421. Beware of poachers.

  422. Great beauty tools: mascara brush, hair brush, tooth brush.

  423. The windows to your soul just moved down a floor.

  424. Turn heads. Further.

  425. Increase his attention span.

  426. Some masterpieces are sculpted. Others are brushed.

  427. Whether they live in the sea or in a tower, there is one thing every princess has in common.

  428. There are many kinds of stains. There are many stain treatments. There is only one stain treatment for every kind of stain.

  429. Gel yes.

  430. Friends don’t let friends yellow.

  431. Minimal effort. Maximum results.

  432. Don't let yellow blow your mellow.

  433. The only thing more immediate than the results are the compliments.

  434. They used to be yellow. Now they say “Hello!” [Thanks again for making it this far. I'm so sorry about this one.]

  435. Change your looks without changing your habits.

  436. Turn your bathmat into a red carpet.

  437. No todo es fácilmente traducible. But a great smile is understood in any language.

  438. The only time when it’s okay to be a white supremacist.

  439. The cure for at least one #FirstWorldProblem.

  440. Most whitening is not permanent. However, some impressions are.

  441. Botox for teeth.

  442. Some judge the quality of their whitening toothpaste by the color of their their teeth. We judge ours by the lens flare.

  443. Your smile is always evolving. Don’t let it be a dodo.

  444. Finally, something worth rushing out of bed for.

  445. When you catch his eye, will you keep it?

  446. What a strange thing for a wedding planner to insist upon.

  447. The common denominator of modeling and dental hygiene.

  448. The key to selfie-satisfaction.

  449. White more. Wait less.

  450. The statement piece is not your necklace.

  451. Compensate for your goth phase.

  452. White for it... White for it...

  453. Oh no stains didn't! But just in case they did.

  454. Give yourself one less thing to ugh about.

  455. Tell stains: "We need to talk."

  456. Two weeks and you're good for six months. Take that, shaving.

  457. Be the life of the blacklight party.

  458. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Check this out.

  459. You can't make him remember you. You can just make it harder to forget.

  460. Crazy how something as heartwarming as a smile can look cold as ice.

  461. Who knew making your teeth less sensitive could make you less sensitive.

  462. On the bright side, you in two weeks.

  463. You walk in on him using your products. Fortunately, it's just toothpaste.

  464. Feed your inner attention hog.

  465. The center of attention wasn't always.

  466. David. Venus De Milo. Pieta. You.

  467. Make your scrapbooks a little harder to scrap.

  468. Looks aren't everything. But this isn't for everything.

  469. The dental equivalent of hair extensions.

  470. Multiply your meet and greets.

  471. Selfies 101: Lesson 1.

  472. Break up with plaque while you break up plaque.

  473. You're already brushing, you might as well whiten.

  474. The secret ingredient is 28 minutes.

  475. Who needs a flashlight when you can just say cheeeeeese.

  476. You learned about pulsars in college. You never expected to see one in your bathroom.

  477. Breaking out of your shell starts with breaking your teeth out of theirs.

  478. Glow in the dark. Or the light. Wherever, really.

  479. Make pictures worth a few more words.

  480. One weird trick for whiter teeth isn't weird or a trick.

  481. Sexiness. A strange thing to associate with toothpaste.

  482. All teeth begin white. Here's to keeping it retro.

  483. So effective, you'll feel bad washing it down the drain.

  484. Whiter teeth in 14 days. It's what you might call a white truth.

  485. A whitening toothpaste that's not afraid of commitment.

  486. Mothers, lock up your sons.

  487. Grin and bear much less.

  488. There are some toothaches that don’t require a professional to treat.

  489. Honestly, when was the last time you got excited about paste?

  490. The urge to shout "Ta-da!" every time you smile is natural.

  491. Not even gold teeth can shine like this.

  492. The tooth fairy sees you and drools.

  493. Technically you can't make someone smile. Until now.

  494. Who needs a milkshake?

  495. What do all models have in common? Hint: It's not modeling.

  496. Don't put an expiration date on your smile.

  497. Don’t let your dentist get all the credit.

  498. You tell your friends you met someone. They think it's a person.

  499. Where we get the term “white hot.”

  500. Your wisdom teeth have no idea what they're missing.




Twitter: @kenisajerk. Mail: hey@kenisajerk.com.

©2019 Ken Ziegler