The rule used to be that you needed 100 good headlines to get a single great headline. No one does this anymore. But I was obsessed with the idea. So to see if I could do it, I picked an arbitrary number (500), an arbitrary product (Crest 3D Vivid White), and spent the better part of a summer writing mock headlines for a client who didn’t know I existed.
Which five would you run? Email: kenziegler@protonmail.com.
More white. Less wait.
Just when you were getting good at Photoshop.
He's never been the jealous type. Until now.
Become a speed dating gold medalist.
Your résumé says detail-oriented. Prove it.
Make big talk.
Add some h's to your ahhh.
Of everyone on earth, who would rather he remember?
You're too old to believe in the Tooth Fairy. But not to be mistaken for her.
When a wardrobe malfunction happens, will anyone notice?
Refreshing. Essential. Satisfying. And other adjectives in two weeks or less.
Star in your own chick flick.
Your baby teeth are gone. Meet your oh baby teeth.
They say an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. On the contrary.
There are more words in this sentence than there are days in a whiter smile.
Whitening is no laughing matter. Giggling, however.
Better whiteners exist. But only at the hardware store.
Ever had a drink slid to you across a bar? Want to try?
Made for a woman. Strong enough for a chain smoker.
You could learn to whiten teeth at school. Or you could read the instructions.
Put something in your bathroom that even a man can appreciate.
You've got four bottles of shampoo, three bottles of conditioner, and an excuse for two tubes of toothpaste.
The box says satisfaction guaranteed. What it doesn't say is for who.
If only all youthful features could be restored in two weeks.
Not every magnet attracts metal.
He tells friends about the one that got away. They don’t know you never met.
And to think your dentist went to school for this.
If your smile is the first thing people notice about you, thanks for your patronage.
Results you can see. Results he’ll want to see more of.
Blur the line between affective and effective.
When he says nice to meet you, you'll know he means it.
Go on. Get the mocha.
An improved formula for an improved you.
They'll think you went to a professional. Who are we to argue?
For a four-star white on a five-dollar budget.
Turn eHarmony into eChemistry.
Chemistry that increases your chance of chemistry.
Fortunately, there are problems that genetics gets no say in.
You have three seconds to get their attention. So what will you do with the other two?
Send a message autocorrect can’t ruin.
The fastest way to a man's heart is debatable.
There are better ways than texting to send a message.
Make a first impression that leads to a second.
There's more to looking professional than a skirt.
61% of users said they felt more confident. The FCC prohibits us from printing what the rest said.
A smile can say so much. Don't let stains butt in.
When you smile, it sends a message. Don't let yours get send to spam.
How long it takes to make an impression depends on less than you think.
When you smile, will they look or will they notice?
Don't let stains speak louder than words.
A person's smile is their first point of communication. Don’t let yours be a smoke signal.
You know what they say: 28th time's the charm.
Don’t let your forecast call for smog.
Studies show that our customers cause 12% of fender benders.
Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.
They say beauty is fleeting. But they say a lot of things.
Instant gratification. Now available in just fourteen days.
Freshens breath. Refreshes your look.
Brush that look off your face.
Refreshen freshening.
Your teeth start life with a clean slate. Keep it that way.
There is no cure for blindness. Until now.
Contrary to popular belief, there are benefits to yellow teeth. For example:
Maximize your Cinderella. Minimize your stepsisters.
Traditional whitening procedures cost $400 or $500 a day. Others just four or five minutes.
Some highlighters yellow.
It’s weird how your neighbors suddenly want to carpool. And they work at different companies. And you've never met them.
Shakespeare wrote 172 lines about smiles. And that was without seeing yours.
Songs have been written about less than a smile. But why settle for less?
They were stained. Now he's stunned.
Pass waiting room, go straight to whitening.
If only compliments could be redeemed for something.
What would you like written about you: a song, a sonnet, or scripture?
Stop letting :) do you justice.
Some toothpastes promise a new you. We thought stains were the problem.
You could bleach your teeth. You could also brush your socks.
It began as a blind date. But then he saw the light.
Pearlier whites.
Who knew a product with only one active ingredient could work on so many levels?
"Opening doors? Oh, I used to."
Feel fresh. Look fresher.
For optimal results, spend more time in front of mirrors.
Fourteen days gets you a black belt in whitening.
You want the same things as any girl. You just want yours to be better.
Think of how much you can accomplish in fourteen days if you don't put your mind to it.
For that Photoshopped look.
You. The ultimate DIY project.
For those nostalgic about getting carded.
A great smile can be a great smile can be a great smile can be hard to look away from.
Speed up your speed date.
Yellow teeth yellow teeth yellow teeth can be distracting.
Your favorite top has a wine stain, a grass stain, and a chocolate stain. No one has noticed.
The more things change, the more you must be brushing.
The whitest thing imaginable is no longer glamping.
Some people wake up feeling the most refreshed they'll feel all day.
Camera shyness has met its match.
A smile can brighten someone's day. So start with your own.
Reach enwhitenment.
Who knew arctic mint would be such an icebreaker.
Lose the ability to leave the bar unnoticed.
The crown jewel of most medicine cabinets.
When you look back on life, will you have to wear shades?
For a white that laaaaaaaaaaaaaaasts loooooooooooooongeeeeeeeeeeeeer thaaaaaaaaaan yoooooooooouuuuuuu miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight expect.
If girls struggle with anything, it's finding the right look—other girls, anyways.
Humans are omnivorous. But you can still be a man-eater.
There go your business cards.
Brush up on your B game repellent.
Get used to lens flare.
When all is said and done, you might need a bigger texting plan.
Mr. Right won’t just appear out of nowhere. But you'll be ready if he does.
Daddy's little princess won't always be little, but she can always be a princess.
The bus driver always waits for you. But you drive.
Finally, something that matches all 21 shades of lipstick.
You said you want a white picket fence. You never said where.
Works on sensitive teeth. And sensitive men.
The Fountain of Youth. It’s right by the toilet.
For coffee lifers.
For best results, brush twice daily. For better results, make sure your ex sees.
Not exactly flying off shelves in England.
"Yes, they're real."
Sayonara, stains.
A great smile works with anything. Or nothing.
0.243% sodium fluoride. 99.757% Hallmark Channel.
Don't just brush off stains. Brush them off your shoulder.
Save the bleach for socks.
How it looks when stains put up the white flag.
Find love at first sight even sooner.
Give him something better to stare at than his phone.
Shoes shouldn’t be your best accessory.
Whiten teeth in fourteen days. If only cleaning out your purse was this easy.
Three dimensions of white for four dimensions of love at first sight.
They say beauty is skin deep. It's actually a little deeper.
Recommended by dentists and therapists.
On a scale of 1–10, give yourself 32.
If smiling is contagious, expect to be quarantined.
You work in accounting. So why are the paparazzi outside?
Dentist approved. Paparazzi preferred.
Remove ten years in two weeks.
Your teeth shouldn’t look like Donald Trump’s hair.
Turn any house into a white house.
Raise the price of face value.
If you think beauty is skin deep, think a little deeper.
Be beautiful from head to um, uh, wow.
Whiter teeth. Redder carpets.
White up the room.
Grin their attention.
Set your smile to stun.
How to complement the little black dress? If you guessed pearls, you’re close.
If you’re not whitening, you're yellowing.
A girl should never have to decide between beauty and chocolate.
Wear your other tighty-whities the way they were meant to be: stain-free.
To prevent stains, dentists recommend brushing after every meal. They must have a lot of free time.
Life’s fair on occasion.
There's white and there's wrong.
Like a time machine in a tube.
Strengthens enamel. Weakens men.
Brush up on a brighter smile.
Dramatic whitening leads to less drama.
It's not laser whitening. It's just laser fast.
All teeth yellow over time. Only some whiten over less.
A brighter tomorrow starts with brushing today.
A whiter smile. A reason to smile. It's the Crest circle of life.
There's such a thing as acid-etched whitening—so good luck with that.
Your dentist says needs to take an x-ray. She reaches for her shades.
Save the white-out for tax season.
Cosmetic dentistry. Now in tube form.
The most powerful gesture in sign language isn’t the one you’re thinking of.
The most timeless accessory of all isn't one.
Love at first sight in just fourteen days.
Love at first sight. Make it your specialty.
Even Hogwarts is years away from this kind of magic.
Blur the line between your toothbrush and a magic wand.
Tiara sold separately.
It whitens. It whitens not. It whitens. It whitens not. It whitens.
Feel more comfortable in nothing but a smile.
One active ingredient. Endless possibilities.
Redefine mint condition.
Teachers often have a star pupil. Now so do dentists.
Questions? 1-800-959-6586. Answers? Brush twice daily.
Look on the bright side. All 32 of them.
And the Lord said, "Thou shalt fear no merlot."
So long juice cleanses. Hello paste cleanses.
Finally, a white that’s wearable after Labor Day.
Appear tanner.
The end of duck face as we know it.
A whiter smile, no matter the filter.
Turn back the clock on stains.
Getting the date just got a little easier. Picking out an outfit, however.
"Officer, I swear, my high beams were off!"
Highlights. Now in the single digits.
He didn’t notice your hair. You don't blame him.
Not every smile is created equal. Level the playing field.
Give stains their two-week notice.
Stains had a good run.
Say goodbye to gingivitis. And mean girls.
Catch up on time lost to braces.
Whitening so easy a man can do it. Not that they would.
The bride will never forgive you.
Success. The second best revenge.
The most satisfaction a girl can get from 4 inches.
Side effects include showing off, breaking hearts, turning heads.
Show dark roast who's boss.
The last time something this good came in a tube, it was potato chips.
The most advanced whitening in the least advanced delivery system.
3D so advanced, it works without glasses.
Your smile. Finally, something worth oversharing.
Really whitens so you can really wow.
Actually, what's on the outside does count.
Active ingredients: sodium fluoride. Inactive ingredients: snowflakes, sunlight, wedding cakes.
It's not like everyone carries a camera now or anything.
Just when you thought you couldn't spend more time in front of the mirror.
Have the FaceTime of your life.
Smiles fade, unlike first impressions.
Monochrome coordinate.
Team Edward. Team Jacob. Team Fluoride.
"Who does your teeth?"
Manicure your mouth.
And on the 14th day, the Lord said, "Let there be white!"
Other toothpaste calls it the chosen one.
[took one out because it was so bad, but 499 is still impressive!]
Give new meaning to the phrase "lighten up."
There is no award for best dating profile, but that shouldn't stop you from being a contender.
A smile like when you were seventeen, but not the one on your driver's license.
Before he can find the right words, he'll need a reason.
Help him find the words he's looking for.
Works in fourteen days. You've never made a lifelong friend faster.
Turn every photo into after photos.
Grow your friend request collection.
You haven't tweeted yet. 11,137 followers.
Save the baking soda for baking.
Good things come in small packages. Great things come in 5.6oz ones.
Effective whitening for an affective smile.
There are many benefits to Crest 3D White. For examples, ask him.
Some seek attention. Some don't have to.
When your friends ask how much you paid, tell a white lie.
Take stains off. Take them all off.
It will be a great day when coffee whitens. But until then.
Not all outcomes are black and white. Some are just white.
Crest to impress.
If you need to see to believe, then prepare to be converted.
Results you can see. And he can see. And she can see.
With whiter teeth in 14 days, the only problem is making room in your medicine cabinet.
Hygiene meets highlights.
Who knew 5.6oz could make tons of difference?
Official sponsor of Like Hoarders Anonymous.
Take teeth from smoker to smokin’.
A bright idea for a brighter smile.
When it comes to stains, girls just wanna have none.
Whitens like no other product. Except This Is Us.
White up the night.
Zero shades of grey.
You've got nothing to lose except lectures from your dentist.
You're going to miss that free toothbrush.
15 minutes of fame in 15 minutes or less.
Girl power. Now in tube form.
Look like a million bucks for only $4.95.
Shades sold separately.
You start to notice friends closing their mouths for group photos.
Flouride. French for "Who's your friend?"
Smile: 1. Coffee: 0.
You’ve got 32 reasons to want whiter teeth.
Make them all wisdom teeth.
Comes in tube form, strip form, and boys with cold sweats form.
Caution: Objects in mirror may be brighter than they appear.
Take that, espresso.
Uses a patented enamel safe whitening formula. In other words, he'll notice.
Remove the stains from your past. Except for your ex.
A cool blast of mint. A cooler blast of you go girl.
Immediate freshness. Long-lasting “Is she seeing anybody?”
A faster white. An even faster “Who's your friend?”
The whitening of a paste. The freshness of a gel. The satisfaction of making boys cry.
Found in the bathroom aisle, the cosmetics aisle, and cleaning aisle.
Take teeth from WTF to OMG.
The road to success isn’t paved. It's brushed.
Unfriend stains forever.
Add your smile to Mt. Brushmore. [Sorry. Thank you for making it this far!]
Your magic meets our science.
You have lots of secrets. So why do people keep asking for one that isn’t?
Anti-cavity. Anti-plague. Anti-untag yourself.
Works like magic even when you're doing the enchanting.
Why do people keep wanting you to say cheese?
For straight teeth, get braces. For white teeth, just bristles.
If only men could do this much for you in just fourteen days.
A better reason to turn frowns upside down.
Desirable colors for nails: dozens. Desirable colors for teeth: one.
Say more without saying a word.
Flirt without saying a word.
Great smiles don’t have an in-season. They have four.
Looks are overrated. But hygiene isn’t.
Fluoride: 1. Ex-boyfriends: 0.
Who says pastiness is taboo?
Save the tan for bikini season.
Pass glass slipper. Go straight to pumpkin carriage.
Not all finishing touches are purely cosmetic.
You might not date a celebrity. But he can.
There’s too much pressure on girls to be perfect. Now there’s a little less.
Like every other toothpaste. Then a week goes by.
Go viral.
Dentists recommend that you brush at least twice a day. So do stylists.
“You never told me your dad was a dentist!”
Cupid’s arrows. Love potions. Toothpaste.
The best things in life are free. Or very close.
The common denominator of dentists and stylists.
The life of the party wasn’t always.
Not all cosmetic products come off in the pool.
The yang to chocolate's ying.
Give yourself a reason to smile on Monday.
They say opposites attract. But so does plenty other stuff does too.
Aids in the prevention of cavities, plague, gingivitis, and ew, gross dude.
Contains 0.24% sodium flouride, 0.30% triclosan, and 99.46% security.
Other-life changing products that you can buy for five dollars:
The hottest look this summer is the hottest look always.
A whiter smile is the easiest style decision a girl will ever have to make.
Great things come to those who wait. But you have a life.
An instant makeover in just fourteen days.
"Smile" is the strongest word in body language.
Girls night will end in front of a camera.
It’s almost bikini season. Oh well.
About time you had another reason to spend more time in the bathroom.
Whitening. So easy even a man can do it.
Floss’s BFF.
Make boys fluent in hey, oh, umm, I was just…
Great style rhymes with great smile. Just saying.
Pink is the official color of femininity. With some exceptions.
Finally, something that matches any outfit.
Make waves miles from any ocean.
There are better ways to get followers than following.
Leave the bleach to your stylist.
For a look that goes with anything. Even toe socks.
Unfortunate side effects include ruining girls’ night out.
Master hypnosis in just fourteen days.
“Um, my teeth are up here.”
Brighter teeth in fourteen days. If only horoscopes were this accurate.
White picket fence starter kit.
Master the non-verbal, “Sure, Friday works.”
Not all great looks take hours.
Changing your look doesn’t require a trainer. Or even a dentist.
It’s winter, but every boy you know is sweating like crazy.
Let him twirl his hair for a change.
Princess. Rock star. Prep. Whatever the look, this one matches it.
Multiply your Facebook stalkers.
Draw less attention to your bad hair days.
Atkins Diet compliant.
They say math is the only universal language. They forgot one.
Yellow is a great color. For a sundress.
Go from “I wonder how she did it” to “I wonder if she’ll tell me.”
Haute is great. Hot is better.
Flower petals get you 50/50. Do better.
“Hey, aren’t you the girl from that thing that one time or whatever?”
The best fashion find under $5.
Inanimate. Makes you more animated.
One more zero calorie way to look great.
The official toothpaste of the GOP.
Get one step closer to never paying for dinner again.
White jacket: $325. White heels: $155. White teeth. $5.
Good smiles are all about whiter teeth. Great smiles are all about whiter teeth and she looked at me!
The less you need to say, the more he will.
Inner beauty is everything. However, the interview is in two weeks.
Shine some light on dull moments.
WARNING: May cause mean girls.
Take the #FFFF00 out of your teeth’s #FFFFFF.
Your class reunion is in eight weeks. So what are you going to do with the other six?
Foaming at the mouth can be surprisingly good for your self-image.
Brushing bright and early leaves them bright and pearly.
Best applied before breakfast, before bed, and before job interviews.
There’s H202, CH6N2O3, and NaPO3. But for those without a degree in dentistry, there’s Crest 3D Vivid White.
Some whitening procedures require wearing sunglasses during the operation—others, after.
Big things come in small packages. So do powerful things.
In England, tubes take you places. What a coincidence.
Available in only one flavor, because smiles should be too.
Introverts beware.
Throw caution to the color wheel.
You don’t need People to know this secret of the stars.
Available wherever life-changing, mind-blowing products are sold.
Skip reaching out and just touch someone.
Charles Gordy said that smiling was an inexpensive way to change your look. We agree
They say everyone smiles in the same language. However, not at the same volume.
Make peace with the selfie.
Powerful enough to whiten even missing teeth.
If you brush them, they will come.
Free your inner extrovert.
For a look that will change your outlook.
Woman’s best friend.
There is only one white. Everything else is off-white.
Distracts from your freckles. And anything, really.
Lost-and-found called. They have your insecurity.
Feeling good should start white and early.
Yellow teeth can send the wrong airplane.
Give your pearls competition.
The secret to a higher Klout score.
“I love your teeth!”
The Crest whitening challenge isn’t much of a challenge.
Next date night, arm yourself to the teeth.
Some will spend thousands on their bling: others, about $4.95.
A good man is hard to keep away.
Upset about coffee stains? Lighten up.
A whiter smile in just 14 days. You won’t even have to roll up the tube.
Here's that blank slate you were looking for.
Make the best part of waking up nowhere near a cup.
While it’s sometimes hard to control our emotions, at least we can control what our emotions say about us.
They say nobody’s perfect. But didn’t say nobody can be.
It takes more than a crown to make a princess.
Dentist recommended. Perfectionist approved.
Little do they know your window tints are for their protection.
The best things in life are fluoride.
Whitens in two weeks or less. So consider re-gifting.
Not every white knight comes to your rescue on a horse.
Your dad says you’re perfect just the way you are. But he’s your dad.
Whiten your load.
Your pearly gates. His heaven.
Who knew a toothpaste would be the talk of fashion week?
Cinderella’s transformation ended at midnight. Poor girl.
You'll wish photo booths were tax-deductible.
More bling for less cha-ching.
Up. Down. Front. Back. Left. Right. White.
Reduces the appearance of wrinkles by 40%.
Impress human resources with your best human resource.
Some qualifications can’t be conveyed by a resume.
Your smile is your first point of communication. Whether you need a second is up to you.
Preventing new stains is easy. Dealing with existing ones, well, that’s easy too.
Beware of poachers.
Great beauty tools: mascara brush, hair brush, tooth brush.
The windows to your soul just moved down a floor.
Turn heads. Further.
Increase his attention span.
Some masterpieces are sculpted. Others are brushed.
Whether they live in the sea or in a tower, there is one thing every princess has in common.
There are many kinds of stains. There are many stain treatments. There is only one stain treatment for every kind of stain.
Gel yes.
Friends don’t let friends yellow.
Minimal effort. Maximum results.
Don't let yellow blow your mellow.
The only thing more immediate than the results are the compliments.
They used to be yellow. Now they say “Hello!” [Thanks again for making it this far. I'm so sorry about this one.]
Change your looks without changing your habits.
Turn your bathmat into a red carpet.
No todo es fácilmente traducible. But a great smile is understood in any language.
The only time when it’s okay to be a white supremacist.
The cure for at least one #FirstWorldProblem.
Most whitening is not permanent. However, some impressions are.
Botox for teeth.
Some judge whitening toothpaste by the color of their teeth. We judge ours by the lens flare.
Your smile is always evolving. Don’t let it be a dodo.
Finally, something worth rushing out of bed for.
When you catch his eye, will you keep it?
What a strange thing for a wedding planner to insist upon.
The common denominator of modeling and dental hygiene.
The key to selfie-satisfaction.
White more. Wait less.
The statement piece is not your necklace.
Compensate for your goth phase.
White for it... White for it...
Oh, no, stains didn't! But just in case they did.
Give yourself one less thing to ugh about.
Tell stains: "We need to talk."
Two weeks and you're good for six months. Take that, shaving.
Be the life of the blacklight party.
Mirror, mirror on the wall. Check this out.
You can't make him remember you. You can just make it harder to forget.
Crazy how something as heartwarming as a smile can look cold as ice.
Who knew making your teeth less sensitive could make you less sensitive.
On the bright side, you in two weeks.
You walk in on him using your products. Fortunately, it's just toothpaste.
Feed your inner attention hog.
The center of attention wasn't always.
David. Venus De Milo. Pieta. You.
Make your scrapbooks a little harder to scrap.
Looks aren't everything. But this isn't for everything.
The dental equivalent of hair extensions.
Multiply your meet and greets.
Selfies 101: Lesson 1.
Break up with plaque while you break up plaque.
You're already brushing, you might as well whiten.
The secret ingredient is 28 minutes.
Who needs a flashlight when you can just say cheeeeeese.
You learned about pulsars in college. You never expected to see one in your bathroom.
Breaking out of your shell starts with breaking your teeth out of theirs.
Glow in the dark. Or the light. Wherever, really.
Make pictures worth a few more words.
One weird trick for whiter teeth isn't weird or a trick.
Sexiness. A strange thing to associate with toothpaste.
All teeth begin white. Here's to keeping it retro.
So effective, you'll feel bad washing it down the drain.
Whiter teeth in 14 days. It's what you might call a white truth.
A whitening toothpaste that's not afraid of commitment.
Mothers, lock up your sons.
Grin and bear much less.
Some toothaches don’t require a professional to treat.
Honestly, when was the last time you got excited about paste?
The urge to shout "Ta-da!" every time you smile is natural.
Not even gold teeth can shine like this.
The tooth fairy sees you and drools.
Technically you can't make someone smile. Until now.
Who needs a milkshake?
What do all models have in common? Hint: It's not modeling.
Don't put an expiration date on your smile.
Don’t let your dentist get all the credit.
You tell your friends you met someone. They think it's a person.
Where we get the term “white hot.”
Your wisdom teeth have no idea what they're missing.
©2021 Ken Ziegler